Part 1

“Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul

- and sings the tune without words, and never stops - at all.”

- Emily Dickensen

*Part 1

It had been nearly 7 years since Melissa attended her first meeting for Search and Rescue, but tonight, for the first time, she sat behind the wheel of her truck and wondered if it wasn’t time to quit.  The idea merely being in her head scared her.  This was her life.  It was what she had long believed she was meant to do, but tonight doubt filled her mind.  Shifting in her seat, she moved her hand to the top of the steering wheel and the light of the moon caught one the diamonds in her wedding ring.  The glistening of the stone looked like a star had fallen from the sky and sat, resting upon her finger. 

“Hayden,” she sighed softly, using her thumb to toy with the rings band.  Of the people she trusted most in her life, if anyone could help her sort out her conflicts, it was him. 

Married just over a year, Hayden always seemed to be the completion of every incomplete part of her.  He was Melissa’s first thought in the morning and her last thought at night.  He knew that each conclusion was to all of her unfinished ideas and could complete her sentences.  Always, he was the core of everything she considered right in her life.  Up until now, that included devoting a great portion of her time, and heart, to Search and Rescue.

Being a member of the team had brought them together, the most unlikely of pairs on the surface - the actor and the rugged mountain girl, as the press loved to label them.  They had reminisced about it many times, always thanking the luck of their chance meeting at an awards show that Hayden hadn’t even been scheduled to attend.  Besides the usual awards, the broadcast had focused on the documentaries of September 11th, including ‘Silent Heroes’, which chronicled Melissa and her team’s time at Ground Zero. 

The whole team had been invited, but Melissa had nearly canceled.  The night was to honor Heroes and she had never considered herself to be a bearer of that title.  The emotional aftermath of those searches continued to haunt her dreams.  Her brother Eric had been relentless in his barrage of guilt, using everything he could think of to get her to follow through and attend.  Finally giving in, she leaned a great deal on her German shepherd, Kona.  Like the other team dogs, she had been permitted to attend the formal evening.  It was Kona who was standing beside her as she fought off a panic attack in the lobby when Hayden appeared and swept them both off their feet. 

From the moment she felt him rest his hand on her shoulder and ask her gently if she was all right, he had done nothing but be completely supportive of the path she had chosen for her life, even when it took her away from him as it had in the early morning hours of the previous day.  Attentive to her needs as well as to Konas, he made her feel almost princess like right from the start.  It was an effect he continued to have upon her. 

Approaching 24 hours up and going with no sleep, the day had been long and full of stress.  The faint whisper of the familiar little voice inside her head tried to tell her she wasn’t thinking straight.  Entertaining the notion of giving up on something that you had dedicated your life to was easier when exhausted, and drained of the emotion that drives your passion.  Trying to shake the thought from her mind she turned the corner and passed through the security gates, finally making her way up the driveway to their house. 

A pale yellow Victorian with wrap around porches waited for her on top of a quiet little mountain north of San Francisco.  Even though Melissa had designed it, the house had taken on a personality all it’s own during construction.  It jumped off the blueprint page and came to life, becoming a haven for its family.  The sight of the soft lights in the kitchen was always a welcoming sign.  Another trip was over.  They had made it back.

Kona knew too, she always did, as the curves of the driveway caused her to wake.  Waiting eagerly in her crate for Melissa to open the door, she leapt from her confines and bounded toward the front porch.  “Shhhh!” Melissa whispered to her, “normal people are asleep!”  The reason behind Kona’s exuberance soon came springing around the far corner of the porch. 

Phoebe was the family cat, but realistically, she was Kona’s baby and had been since she had found the tiny kitten buried in a collapsed building in Mexico.  Like Melissa and Hayden, they were an unlikely pair that just seemed to work.  Hayden could sum up the relationship between she and Kona perfectly - Phoebe didn’t realize she’s a cat, because a dog, that thinks she’s human, raised her. 

It had been years since Melissa picked Kona from her litter, but she had always treated her partner as an equal.  In caring for Phoebe, Kona seemed to take the same approach.  Watching the two of them was hilarious.  Phoebe would crouch down only to spring at the very prepared Kona who swatted at her with her paws.  A chase soon ensued, as it always did, ending with Phoebe trapped under the ever slobbery tongue of her keeper, who never seemed to think the cat was as clean as she needed to be.

Once the playful duo had their frolicking out of their systems, Melissa opened the front door, her attention drawn to Hayden asleep on the couch in the front room.  With the remote control in one hand and the other resting atop his wavy auburn hair, the TV completed the scene with it’s broadcast of a bad infomercial.  How one man could possibly look that good was beyond her, but she never grew tired of looking at him.  His tall frame stretched out, clad in a plain white t-shirt and light blue-stripped pajama pants, he had apparently tried to wait up for them and failed.

There was an aura about him that was open and inviting.  She had felt it the first time they met and it continued to call to her.  Walking toward the couch she hoped that the security she felt with him would wash away the lingering doubts spinning in her mind.  Kneeling on the floor next to him she rested her ear gently on his chest, closing her eyes and relaxing to the beat of his heart. 

“Missed you,” he whispered.  Moving his hand down from his head to the base of her neck, he began to try and rub away the tension with his long fingers.  “How did it go?”  Melissa opened her eyes only half way to look into his, moving her head slightly from side to side. 

“No scent?” he grasped, his own eyes telling her he suspected something far worse.

“No child,” she sighed, “just tire tracks in the dirt.”

“Kidnapped?” he said with a disbelieving shake of his head.  “Isn’t that the third one?”

“In 6 months.”

Hayden was quiet for a moment, his fingers still rubbing Melissa’s neck, enjoying the feel of her resting against him but wrestling with the right words to ease his wife’s pain.  He knew how personally she took each search, especially when children were involved.  “You ok?”

Never one to be good at vocalizing her weaknesses, she closed her eyes to block the tears and moved her head from side to side again.

“Come here,” he offered, knowing that for her to actually admit she wasn’t doing well, that this one had to have hit her hard.

No sooner had he started to move over on the couch that she slid in next to him.  The feel of his body against hers and his arms wrapped around her helped her mind to begin to clear.  Nuzzling her head against his shoulder, her forehead resting against his neck, she was right where she needed to be.

“I know you did everything you possibly could…”

“Except give her back to her parents,” she interrupted.  They had been in his spot before.  The drive that powered Melissa was her greatest strength, but also her largest weakness.  “I don’t think I can do it again.”

“Do what beautiful?”

"Walk back into a camp and tell inconsolable parents that I have no idea where their child is.”  Taking a deep breath, her voice dropped to a whisper as she choked on her emotions.  “It hurts.  It hurts so much.”

“The only way to avoid that is to not search at all,” he said with the very slightest of chuckles, as if dismissing a notion so crazy that it didn’t warrant a second thought.  His thinking quickly changed when he felt her eyelashes brush against him as they lowered, the seriousness of her doubts becoming clear.  “Whoa,” he gasped, shifting to his side and resting on his elbow.  “Talk to me.”  His eyes were piercing and when she couldn’t answer, he tried to help her along.  “Melissa, are you thinking of leaving the team?”

“No,” she said unconvincingly, trying to brush off his question, but when his eyebrows rose she realized he knew otherwise.  “Well, yes…but only for a moment…only just tonight.”  As if that somehow made it understandable.  “It was horrible, the disappointment in those parents eyes. I can’t stop thinking about it…the pain of trusting us with finding their child only to have us let them down.”

“That little girl was long gone before they ever called you.  You know that right?”

“Logically?  Sure, but tell that to my heart.  How many more times does it have to break?  When does it hit its limit?  It’s been ripped apart so much…when will it break so badly that I can’t put it back together again?”

“I love you,” he sighed.  “I know that doesn’t fix everything, but it’s a good place to start.  I have watched you put your heart into everything you do, always with the knowledge that it could be broken, and you still do it.  I’m behind any decision you make, you know that, but I really don’t think you want quit.  I think it would be a huge mistake.

“Why?” she pleaded, shifting to her side to face him.  “I want to believe that…I do.”

Stroking her cheek with the backside of his hand, the corner of his mouth turned up to become a grin.  “Because it’s in your soul.  I wish you could see the way your eyes light up when you’re pulling out of the driveway, you’d understand.  What you and Kona do – it makes a difference in the world Lissa.”

“Not today…”

“Did you sleep at all since you left here yesterday?”

“No, I wanted to get back home…back to you.  Why?”

“Because usually it’s you explaining this stuff to me,” he smiled.  “You didn’t let down that family beautiful.  You didn’t take the inning, but that doesn’t mean that the game is lost.  Kona found a scent trail and you followed it, right?” 

Melissa nodded meekly, too tired to understand where he was going with this.

“I know you wanted that little girl to be safe at the end of that trail.  I know a little part of you dies each time a search doesn’t end the way you hoped it would.  I watch you, amazed by your strength and your determination.  You take that disappointment and turn it into the energy that drives you to the next call.  You’re like a one woman power plant.”

“So how come I don’t feel so energetic?  How come I feel anything BUT strong?  If what you say is true, I should be like some sort of Wonder Woman by now.”

“You are…to me,” he grinned.  “Because of the team, the evidence crews have a clear path to work on.  Because you found the end of the trail, they know which way the car went and can print the tire marks.  They’re closer than they ever would have been without you.”

Melissa watched her husband’s eyes as they begged for her to understand.  She had been right.  Hayden could take any aspect of her life and sort it out, especially when she wasn’t able to.

“You feel helpless and you hate that, but it’s ok as long as you don’t become helpless.  I knew you were a fighter from the very first time we met.  That fight is still in you Lissa.  I can see it as plainly as I could then.

“You know me too well,” she sighed.  “Do you think people really ever loose their will to fight or is it just misplaced and they have no one there to help them find it?”

“Both I think, more misplaced than anything.  I think if you truly loose your will to fight, you die.”
 
“Well, then you have to keep helping me find mine I guess,” she smiled.

“Hey!” he smiled back, “There’s my girl.  I knew you were in there all the time.”  His long fingers still stroked her soft ivory skin as he gazed into her blue eyes, counting the gold flecks that sparkled in them.  “Don’t worry about your heart,” he whispered.  “You gave it me remember?”

How could she forget?  Her memories rewound in a flash.  A flush overtook her face as she remembered how he had kissed her on a spring day in Disneyland, and how she had told him she had lost her heart.  The sincerity in his voice still rang clear in her mind. ‘You didn’t loose it beautiful,’ he had smiled, ‘I have it right here, next to mine.’  That was the day she knew she was in love, though she didn’t tell him.  That was the moment she knew he loved her too, even though he had never said so.  No, she could never forget that day.  Not ever.

“You promised to keep it safe,” she sighed, placing her hand lightly on his chest. 

“For as long as you’ll let me,” he finished, repeating what he had said to her then.

“Thank you.”

“No need beautiful.  You have mine too, and you’re showing it things and giving it feelings it’s never imagined possible.”

Leaning toward him, she rubbed his nose with hers before he closed the small gap between them to kiss her.  “I love you,” she whispered as his full lips left hers. 

“That is the one thing in my life I’ll never doubt,” he offered in earnest.  “Now, how does a hot shower and our bed sound to you?”

“Heavenly if you’re in both,” the devil glistened in her eyes.

“Oh, you little vixen,” he flicked one eyebrow as a suggestive reply.  “It just so happens I have a shower and a room that can accommodate those requests.  You see…I have this amazing architect.”

“Really now?” she teased.  “I bet she was pricey then.”

“Not monetarily, but there are other forms of payment she’s requested…”

“Care to demonstrate?”

“For you?  Always…” the words had barely left his mouth before it covered hers in a eager kiss, breaking away only to mutter breathlessly, “Did I tell you I missed you?”

“I missed you too, but if you come upstairs with me, we can work on not missing each other,” she winked.
 
Holding hands they made their wound their way up the oak staircase to the second floor.  As much as they loved the house, home would always be that place they found within each other.  It kept them safer than any height of constructed wall, and left them warm when times seemed cold.  By each other’s side, they knew they could get through anything.  It was during their times apart that they seemed to face the challenges that caused them the most doubts. 

Melissa expected challenges in the field, but life had a history of testing them as a couple.  So far they had made it through, sometimes more graceful than others.  Still, there were thoughts that neither of them would ever admit to having.  Those times when they wondered if they’d ever come upon an obstacle they couldn’t overcome.  If there would be a time when they couldn’t lean on the other.  They had come to depend so heavily on the other, what would they do if they ever faced life alone?

Tonight was not a night for dwelling on what ifs.  Tonight was about renewing that hope they had in the other, in syncing up their hearts and readying themselves for another day.  Tonight was only about them