Part 14

“Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul

-and sings the tune without words, and never stops – at all.”

            -Emily Dickensen

Part 14

The Christensen anniversary party had hit full planning panic mode by the time the girls arrived. "Now I see why you didn’t mind coming with me on the road trip," Melissa snickered as Ally went flying around the house tending to more details than she should have been at one time. "Your mom seems a little frazzled. It looks like we have two choices. We can jump in..."

"…or stay out of the way?" Kaylen finished.

"For the sake of family unity, I think jumping in is a better option."

The back yard held a large white event tent sending the idea of a family circus speeding through her mind. She tried to hold back the snort of laughter. She failed. Under the big top, things needed some work. Tables were there but in need of linen, place settings, chairs... At the far end, the temporary dance floor was being assembled. At least that was something. Her mind drifted off to dancing with her husband the very next night on that floor, but before she could be lost in the thought, she reined herself back in.

Off to the left of the dance floor was an empty table, presumably for the DJ. Music…the CD, had she left that in the computer? She had copied it to her phone but didn’t want to leave it behind. She began to hum the familiar song, realized what she was doing and forced herself back to reality yet again.

The right side of the tent was a series of empty tables and, judging by the Aunts and Cousins in the kitchen, that would be for the staggering amount of food being prepared. Making a mental note to go test out what she could without getting shooed out of the kitchen, she put her hands on her hips and tried to decide where to start.

Kona relaxed in a small patch of grass not covered by stacks of glasses, piles of plates, and baskets of linens. Kaylen plugged her iPod into the radio and hit play before joining Melissa who had started stringing floral garland and lights along the inside of the tent. The two chatted and made fun of the ‘stressed out adults’ screaming around like their pants were on fire. Fully aware they were both adults, they excluded themselves since they seemed to be the only ones on the property who were relaxed and able to joke.

They were singing along with the music and getting a lot done when, in between songs, they heard "Beautiful!" behind them. Melissa turned in flash, mentally knowing it wasn’t Hayden but hearing that tone and his nickname for her caught her off guard.

"Bravo," Tove clapped. "It looks almost as beautiful as the decorators!"

Melissa blew off his comment with a laugh and went back to securing the garland, but not Kaylen. Her eyes narrowed as she watched her brother’s expression anytime it came to Melissa.

The family didn’t talk about the shooting or the circumstances that followed it, at least, not with her. She knew Tove had flown out as soon as he had gotten the call from Hayden. She knew Hayden had left for Australia while Melissa was still hospitalized and that Tove had been at the sentencing of the shooter. She undeniably knew that Melissa loved Hayden and that Hayden loved her back. What she couldn’t shake was the feeling that maybe he wasn’t the only brother with those feelings.

"Big brother can’t you find something else to do other than watch us decorate?" she chided him. "Either make yourself useful or get out the way."

Excusing himself with a round of laughter, he headed toward the house, leaving the girls to continue on their own and continue they did. It was late and the house quiet when they were finally satisfied with the results and fell, exhausted, into their beds.

****

It was dark and cold. A chill permeated every molecule around her and the hair on the back of her neck stood on end. She heard the crying but couldn’t find the source. Something was wrong, terribly wrong. Her hands slid across cold metal as she felt around. "It’s ok, I’ll help you." She spoke to no one visible, but toward the source of the wails. "Please, come to me. I can’t find you. I can help…" The crying increased and she shouted above them when something shook her and the lights came on.

"Melissa, it’s ok," Kaylen assured her. "You were having a bad dream." Covered in sweat and tangled in her sheets, she would have better classified it as a nightmare.

Taking a moment to collect herself she apologized for waking Kaylen, assured her she was fine, and sent the younger girl back to bed. Still, she was shaken and couldn’t calm her nerves enough to get back to sleep. Trying until dawn, she eventually gave up and took Kona on an earlier and longer run than normal. The rhythmic sound of her shoes hitting the pavement calmed her. The sound of Kona’s breathing focused her. Daylight cleared her mind and moved her past the invasion of her sleep cycles. It was going to be a long day, but a good one. It was the night of the party. It was the night she would see Hayden again.

Helping out with the set up for a few hours, she excused herself so she could shower. She would need to leave for the airport in an hour. No doubt it would be a slow hour. Cranking on the levers for the shower she let it warm up before she stepped in. The hot spray burned her skin as it washed over her. It was a sensation she welcomed and didn’t want to leave. That dream had rattled her, even if she didn’t want to fully admit it. The heat of the shower helped wash away the feeling of the cold it had left behind but she was turning into a prune, so it was time get out, get dressed, and get her husband.

Wrapping her hair in a towel, she dried off and put on her bathrobe before walking down the hall to Hayden’s old room. Flipping on the television for noise, she set about finding her hairbrush and deciding what to wear.

Melissa’s head whipped around to see the map and the Paris airport listed as closed. Her heart sank faster than her body as it sat down on the edge of the bed, listening to the mumble of the broadcast.

"Hey!" an overly cheerful voice came from the hallway. "Was the DJ going on the right or the left side of the dance floor? He’s here and Mom’s run to the…whoa, what’s up? You look like you lost your best friend."

Melissa pointed slowly at the television softly, not wanting to voice what she already knew in her heart.

"Wasn’t Hayden supposed to fly out of Paris?" she asked softly, sitting next to Melissa on the bed. Melissa nodded. "Well, he could have taken that tube thing into England right? Then he could fly out of…" but she stopped when she realized that London was on the list of closed airports. "If there is a way, he’ll get here," she added with confidence she didn’t really feel, but she didn’t know what else to say.

With eerie timing Melissa’s phone rang with the familiar tune of Hayden singing. "The DJ goes on the single table to the left," she said as she reached for her phone, not wanting to answer it. Kaylen nodded and left as Melissa clicked ‘answer’ with a sullen "Hey."

The other end was silent except for the white noise of a bustling crowd. She knew it was him, she knew what he wanted to say and how much she didn’t want to hear it.

"It’s ok," she whispered. "I know." There was a sigh, more background noise and an overwhelming feeling of despair. "Love…really, it’s out of your control."

"I miss you so much." It sounded like he was gritting his teeth.

One of the Aunt’s ventured past, talking before she even reached the door. "Melissa! Do you know where Ally keeps her tin foil? I swear I’ve looked everywhere! Oh, sorry, didn’t know you were on the phone." Clearly not sorry and not perceptive enough to pick up on what she had interrupted, she waited perched in the doorway like a puppy at dinner time.

"Left side of the sink. Third drawer down. If it’s not there, there’s extra in the cupboard in the garage." Satisfied, the aunt moved on.

"I’m so sorry," came through the phone followed by blaring silence again. "I should be there."

"It can’t be helped," she started only to be cut off again.

"Melissa! I found that but now I can’t find the broom! Doesn’t she keep that in the garage?"

"Rose had the broom out at the tent," she called back toward the hall.

From one ear she heard, "There’s a tent?" and from the other she registered a quick "Thanks!"

"There’s a tent and a DJ and enough food to feed a small country." There was another sigh before she added "Do you want me to tell your folks?"

"No, I’ll call the house. I wanted to talk to you first. I tried everything I could, but there is no movement here at ALL." He was back to gritting his teeth.

She wanted to assure him, to make this easier, but all she felt was disappointment until she heard her name bellowed from the hall again. For the love of God, couldn’t these women find anything without her help?

"Lissa, close your eyes." She did without thinking. "Feel my arms? I’m holding you and I’ll keep holding you until we’re together again." She felt nothing. "Will you call me tonight, after the party?" She agreed, assuring him again that she would be ok but the deadness in her voice told another story.

Off the phone, dressed, down the hallway…it was all fog until she saw Ally later. She looked like Melissa felt. "Oh Melissa," she grabbed her in a hug. "I’m so sorry, how are you holding up?"

Melissa lied for the sake of her mother in law. Tonight was about Ally and David. Putting on her best façade of total control, she assured her that it was only another week and apologized that her son wouldn’t be there to celebrate with them. It was an Oscar worthy performance and Ally bought it. In fact, as the night went on, everyone seemed to buy it.

Standing in the back watching everyone have a great time, dancing with the people they loved, she found her cover slipping until David tapped her on the shoulder. "May I have this dance?" Hayden’s father rarely danced, in fact, it was a running joke in the family. David had two left feet but Ally loved to dance and made sure all the kids knew how so their mates would always be swept off their feet they way she wished she could be.

Continuing her role as dutiful daughter in law, she followed David to the dance floor and let him lead the best that he could. "The party is great," she offered. "I never would have thought of a party to celebrate the 50 ^th anniversary of the day you met."

"Well, it changed my life," he said honestly. "I’m sure you remember the first time you met Hayden."

She did and the memory of it made her miss him even more. Her resolve was crumbling at a rapid rate. "Yes, I do. I don’t think I ever heard the full story of how you two met," she asked, hoping for a distraction away from Hayden. It worked. As he told her the story, she zoned out, looking at the garland and the food. Anything she could to take her mind off things until she heard an all too familiar voice.

"May I cut in?" Bless his heart. A much better dancer, Melissa was soon being guided around the dance floor by Tove.

"Thank you," she said with complete sincerity.

"You looked uncomfortable."

"It was the 10th pity dance of the evening. I think Kaylen’s having the same problem."

"Well, don’t count me as number 11." He looked down at her and grinned. "I’ve just been waiting for the right time."

"So, you’re saying you were letting me suffer until I was good and desperate?"

"No, as you pointed out, you have tripped the lights fantastic with quite a few people tonight." His smile reminded her of Hayden. "I needed to not follow someone who danced better than I do. It helps me appear more impressive."

"You’re trying to cheer me up."

"Hmm, so I’m more obvious than I had planned, but yes. You look beautiful tonight, by the way." Realizing how that sounded, he scrambled. "That’s not a line, that color suits you. I’ve seen that dress before haven’t I?"

"Yeah," she paused wondering if this is where she wanted to go. "It’s Hayden’s favorite."

"I can see why. He’s going to hate that he missed seeing you in it."

"I’m ok." She blurted out, completely out of context and looked up at him. It was a multi-level mistake. He and Hayden had the same eyes and it weakened her resolve even more when he looked back into her own. She just wanted to not think about it. "Really, I’m ok."

He continued to guide her around the floor, fully aware of the heat from her hand warming his skin as if his shirt wasn’t there. She trembled. Pulling her closer to him than he probably should have, she didn’t protest and instead rested her forehead lightly against his jaw line. "You know," he whispered into her ear, "You don’t have to be ok with me."

Her head moved to rest on his shoulder, part of his shirt balled up into her fist. She needed to hold on to something or she’d fall apart and he’d just given her permission for it to be him.

They danced through two slow songs before separating. People were starting to leave and they would both be needed to say goodbye to the family’s guests. Letting go was difficult, the escape had been nice. "Thank you," she offered politely as they walked toward the exit.

"It was my pleasure."

"Not just for the dance," she offered honestly.

He didn’t answer, just smiled a funny half smile down at her and continued walking.

It had become the night that wouldn’t end. Even after the guests had left, there was cleaning up to do. As tired as she was, the idea of sleeping didn’t appeal to Melissa in the slightest. Cleaning was good busy work, it kept her mind from wandering into darker places but eventually everything was done and she took Kona out to the yard to look at the stars. She sat down on a small stone retaining wall, while Kona rested at her feet.

She felt his presence before she caught sight of him in her peripheral vision, smelling the soft musk of his cologne and the cup of hot tea he held out to her as he sat down. "You remembered," she sighed.

"I did," Tove replied as softly as she had. He watched from the corner of his eye as she blew across the hot water and took a sip. It wasn’t his place to say anything though there was a lot on his mind. He had led on the dance floor, now he would let her have a turn.

Holding the cup two handed like a baby would hold a bottle, she took a few more sips before she leaned over and rested her head on his shoulder. "This has been harder than I expected."

"No it hasn’t." His disagreement was gentle but caught her off guard. "You knew exactly what it would be like to have him gone this much. You knew precisely how hard that part would be. You think everything through. What you didn’t count on was your brother’s leg, your best friends wedding, Danny’s training…even your truck acting up."

Moving his hand up to the small of her back, he ran it up and down slowly. "Those things each took a piece of you that had been set aside for coping with time and distance. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed and, unless I’m wrong, that seems to be where your mind has gone." He dropped his voice, as if sharing a secret. "You’ve been through so much worse than this. I know. I was there."

She inhaled to respond and held it. He was right but that didn’t make it easier to hear…or remember. "How long has it been since…well, since we’ve been like this?"

"Two years," he said a little too quickly. "Talk to me."

Lifting her head off his shoulder she tried a fake. "About?" It failed.

He looked down at her with an expression to match his reply. "This is me, remember?"

"I guess…I’m numb. I feel like I’m suddenly incapable of being sad or mad or even happy. I’m a flat line on the heart monitor."

"Maybe you need a jolt with the paddles," he grinned.

"I don’t know what I need," she answered honestly. "Not anymore."

"I do." He moved his arm up and across her shoulders, resting his hand on her opposite shoulder. "You know it too but you can’t say it, at least not yet."

"I miss him," she said as her head returned to its spot on his shoulder. "I miss the sound of his voice, his dirty socks on the floor beside the bed and someone to cook for. I hate when Kona and I come home to a house without anyone in it. I keep busy with work and the team. I don’t know what I’d do without Kona."

"That sounds like ‘sad’ to me," he reassured her. "Blocking it out for self preservation doesn’t mean you aren’t capable of feeling it."

Tears threatened her eyes, so she closed them in an attempt to hold them back. She hated crying, she never felt worthy of it knowing there were others who had it so much worse. Tove knew that about her. He knew and yet he prodded her to continue. "Tell me…what else do you miss?"

"I miss this," she admitted almost ashamed, "the feel of a man holding onto me, of being protected. I miss dancing, fingers playing with my hair, and knowing that when I wake up I’ll have someone to hold. I miss being kissed and hugged and held like I was the only person who mattered…"

"You are. That is the one thing I have never let you doubt or question and I never will."

That did it. Once a single tear escaped, the rest followed. She began to tremble again. Tove took the tea cup from her hands and sat it off to the side. Her hands weren’t empty long, they immediately wrapped around his waist. Draping his suit coat around her, he held her while she cried, rocking her slowly. "It’s just us here. You and your secrets are safe with me. Let me help."

"I don’t know if you can," she finally choked out. "I don’t know if anyone can."

"Do you trust me enough to let me try?" He felt her nod. That was a good sign.

Through ragged breathing, she told him of Hayden’s call, of closing her eyes, of wanting nothing more than to feel the hug he was sending to her. "I couldn’t feel it," she cried again. "I need that connection and I’ve lost it. I feel like I lost him all over again. It’s happening like it did before…"

"It’s not," he cut her off. "Don’t go back to that place again Melissa, please. You aren’t losing him. It isn’t spiraling down the way it feels. You didn’t fail him then and you didn’t fail him today. You never EVER fail him. All you ever have to be for any of us is just yourself."

"Our connection…" she started only to be cut off again.

"It’s there. It’s always there. Maybe tonight you didn’t need it the way you thought you did. I know he depends on it as much as you do, but we aren’t talking on demand cable here. Our brains, your brain, his brain, they do their own thing in their own time."

She sat quietly as he held her, thinking of what he said and trying to believe it. Tove had always been there for her with whatever she needed. She had no reason to doubt him.

"May a share a secret?" He sounded like he didn’t want to invade her thoughts, but she nodded again. "Even if it’s about the shooting we’re all so careful not to talk about?" She nodded again, unconsciously holding her breath. "Being able to be there for you was a privilege."

"Tove…" If there was one thing she hated more than crying, it was admiration for things she didn’t feel worthy of. The weeks following the shooting fell into that category.

"No, let me finish. That time gave me a glimpse into a side of you I had never known, that few people ever see. What the world sees is a celebrity by proxy, a secondary hero that is appreciated but not fully understood, but I was able to see you. I saw then who I see now - a woman who is beautiful inside and out, with a heart so large that she gives it freely and fully to every person she helps knowing she’ll never get it completely back. I saw hope shine like I never had before and more strength than should have been possible – but you did it. That is who you are at your core. That won’t ever change."

Tears slipped from her eyes again and he squeezed her shoulders tighter against him.

"Promise me on the days when that connection that you crave isn’t as strong as you’d like it to be, that you’ll look inside yourself and use the strength that I know hides there. Without doubt, you are the most amazing woman I have ever met. I can’t think of anything you can’t handle, you just need to believe in yourself during those times when you feel the most lost."

"I can promise to try."

"Fair enough." He let his arms fall, keeping one on the small of her back and using the thumb of the other to wipe tears from her cheeks. "He loves you so much. It’s all going to be ok…really ok," he added with a wink and a slight tease in his voice which made one small corner of her mouth turn slightly up toward a smile.

"Thank you for being, well, for being you and being here…for me," she rambled. "I can always count on that."

"It’s part of the older brother’s credo. Ask Eric, he’ll tell you."

"No, this is above and beyond," she said with earnest as she leaned over and kissed him gently on the cheek. "I’m very lucky."

She handed him back his jacket when she stood to leave. There were no goodnights, no other words than the ones spoken with their eyes. He really did have Hayden’s eyes and she could easily get lost in them. With Kona by her side, she walked into the house and off to bed.