Part 7

“Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul

- and sings the tune without words, and never stops - at all.”

- Emily Dickensen

*Part 7

The long day wound down and the crowd at the Ranch eventually thinned.  Beth took Eric home in Hayden’s car while he, Melissa, and Kona went back up the hill in the cart.  It felt so good to be home.  Making small talk while they changed into shorts and t-shirts, neither was sure how to start talking about what they really needed to.  It was so much easier to comment on the other events of the day.

“Do you hear that?” Hayden asked as he raised a hand to his ear.  “Is that the hammock calling us?”

“You know, I think it is!  Guess we’d better not make it wait.”

Resting together as the stars gradually appeared was just the type of relaxing they needed.  The silence gave Melissa the peace she needed to process all the feelings that had come back.  She hated the idea that there was something she and her husband couldn’t talk about, but when it came to this, she knew he would never bring it up on his own. 

“So…the movie…” she stammered, “the fight…”  It was now or never.  “You were pretty…”

“Angry?” he finished for her.

“I was going to say pissed, but angry works.”

“You remember when we filmed those, right?” he said quietly.

“Yeah,” she whispered back, holding her breath in the dragging silence until she continued.

“I was hitting bottom then...”

Part of her wanted to stop him, nearly certain of what he was going to say, and not wanting him to hurt again because of it.  The words never came and he just kept talking.

“I knew I couldn’t make it without you.  I was positive that with the way I had treated you…how I had mishandled the entire situation, that you would never let me back in your life.”

“It was never just you.  I told you to go.”

“But you didn’t mean it.”

“I did,” she said, wrapping her arms around him even tighter as the hammock gently swayed.  “But I started questioning it the minute you left my sight.”  As each others words sank in, they looked quietly up at the stars, working through the questions on their minds.  “Can I ask you something?”

“Mmm?”

“Why did you come back?

“I told you about that – it was the gift you sent with Tove - the scrapbook and the music CD with all the songs that were special to us.”

“Yeah, I know that’s what you told me, but my gut tells me that’s not the real reason.”

He looked down at her, one eyebrow cocked high.  “Your gut?”

“I told Tove not to give you that box until you were ready to face what was inside.  You just said you were hitting bottom.  Film doesn’t lie – you were mad as hell.  So, what happened after the film but before the box?  What broke through?”

“My brother,” he offered quietly.  “Film may not lie, but it also doesn’t capture everything.  If you think you saw angry this afternoon, that was nothing compared to after the cameras stopped.”  He breathed in deeply trying to muster truths long buried.  This was an explanation he had owed her since the day he flew home to apologize, a tale about a side of him she had never seen, nor did he hope she ever would. 

“Everything just kept building.  I directed my anger at so many things, all so I didn’t have to face that I was the rightful recipient.  I wanted it to stop, but I wasn’t able to control it and my weakness made me even angrier.  Nothing made sense and before I realized I had done it, everything became Tove’s fault and he was going to pay for making me so miserable.”

“You…you got into a fight with your brother?”  This was not the relationship she knew between them.  Hayden would just as soon cut off his hands than use them to punch Tove…or at least, that’s what she always believed.  “Seriously?  A fight?  Over what?”

“You.”  He couldn’t help but smirk now, at the memory of it.  Melissa’s mouth had fallen agape and he doubted it would be closing until he had explained.  “You know how my mom carries that huge bag of magazines when she flies?  Well, she had some that had pictures of you and him at the courthouse after the sentencing.”  Her brow crinkled as she remembered back to that day and how Tove had handled the press and made her feel safe. 

“You looked so beautiful and relaxed,” he continued with a sigh.  “There you were, without me, and you were happy – that alone was enough to rile me up, but then I found the package and thought it was a gift for him.”  He stopped for a moment while she stared at him, mouth still hanging open in shock, waiting for him to continue.  “I managed to convince myself that he had…that you and he…”

Hayden just couldn’t say it.  He couldn’t put words to the thought that his brother had taken his place, but he also didn’t have to.  Melissa’s mouth closed slowly and her eyes, previously wide with bewilderment, softened.  They didn’t need words when their hearts spoke.

Instant relief washed over him, the worst was over and going forward would be easier.  “Clarity wasn’t a strong suit for me then – but the idea that I had lost you to… well, I blew up.  I knew if I had it was my fault, which made it worse, but that night the only thing I could think of was he could have stopped it.  He could have told you how much I loved you.  Every bit of anger inside me just kept growing while I waited for him to walk through the door.  All I could see in my mind was how he would look laying out on the floor after I was done beating him senseless…”

“You know he’s bigger than you, right?”

“I had Anakin’s body then, remember?  I could have taken him,” he laughed lightly.  “He was happy I wanted to flatten him…told me to take that anger and fight for you.”

“Smart man,” she said nuzzling closer to his chest.  “Glad you listened.”

“I am too,” he sighed.  “I love you so much Lissa.  I’m sorry today brought all this up for you, but I promise there is never going to be another time when you can’t count on me.  I almost lost you then.  I won’t ever let that happen again.”

“I love you too.”  They rested quietly for a time.  He held her close and shared her warmth.  “Tove and I huh?” she snickered a bit and rolled on top of him causing the hammock to sway.  “You know you’re the only Christensen I’ll ever want, right?” she purred in his ear.

“I do,” he growled back. 

Melissa pulled back to look at his face and its chiseled features.  His eyes glistened in the moonlight and she rubbed her thumb across his cheek.  “You fought for me.”

“I would have stepped in front of the bullets.”

“I never would have made it if you were hurt.”

“Sure you would,” he encouraged.

“I’m not strong like you.”

“No…you’re stronger.” 

“I always have to be doing something.”

“I know you do.  You don’t give your strength the credit it deserves and there’s nothing wrong with always having to be busy, but can I make a suggestion on what you can do with your time?”

A smile filled her face and a twinkle sparked in her eye.  “Oh, I have a pretty good idea what this is going to be.”

“Just always love me Lissa,” his voice cracking ever so slightly.  “When we’re apart this summer, remember that wherever I am, that I’m looking up at these stars and wishing I was right here next to you.”

With her hand still on his cheek, she brushed her thumb against his smooth skin again as her mouth began to curl to a smile.  “Always…” she whispered softly tilting her head to kiss him.  “Always…”