Part 35

"How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face..."
-W.B. Yeats

*Part 35

Hayden was still hiding behind his own arms when he felt a hand gently rubbing his back.  "She's stable," Beth smiled to him when he finally peered out.  "She's going up to surgery soon, but it looks like she's going to be sticking around."

He had never felt such relief over anything in his life and when Beth held her arms open, he couldn't help but fall into a much-needed hug.  "Oh thank you," he cried.  "Can I see her?"

"For just a few minutes," she told him as they walked thru the ER.  "She's still unconscious and she's pale from loosing so much blood," Beth cautioned.

"She'll always be beautiful to me."

"I figured as much.  I just wanted to warn you," she said as she parted the curtain that surrounded Melissa's bed.  As he pulled up a chair to sit next to her, Beth pulled the curtain closed again and left them alone.

Running his fingers through her hair to push it back, he stared at the contours of her face.  Ever as delicate as they had always seemed, it struck him at how much she looked like a porcelain doll today - perfect, yet fragile.  He had never seen her look so frail.   The strength she held within herself always seemed to show through. 

"Hello beautiful," he whispered.  "I have it on a reliable authority that you're going to be just fine.  You have to make a little trip to surgery, but I'll be waiting right here when you come out."  Sliding his fingers across her cheek, he was happy to feel her warm again.  "I'll check on Kona so you don't have to worry about anything except getting better, ok?  She saved you Melissa, you'll be so proud of her.  She's just like you - she never gives up."

He took her hand with special care not to move the IV needles taped into her arm.  Rubbing his thumb across her palm he bent over to kiss each of her fingers.  "I don't know if you can hear anything I'm saying, but I love you.  I used to laugh at those cheesy 'you complete me' love confessions you see in movies, but I think that was because I had never been in love.  Knowing you has changed all that.  Suddenly they all seem to apply.  I hope you know I would do anything for you.  Just please be ok - fight and don't give up.  So many people need you..."

Beth poked her head in to tell him it was time for Melissa to go to surgery.  "Just one more minute?" he asked and she nodded and stepped out.  Not letting go of her hand, he leaned close to her, laying his hand across her forehead he whispered to her.  "I promised I would sing to you..."

 "Winnie the Pooh doesn't know what to do
 Got a honey jar suck on his nose
 He came to me asking help and advice
 And from there no one knows where he goes
 So I sent him to ask of the owl if he's there
 How to loosen a jar from the nose of a bear..." *

Laughing at his own singing, he stopped.  "Sorry beautiful.  Kaylen used to play that song on repeat and I always liked it but, of course, I would never admit that to her.  It's been stuck in my head since they took you to the ambulance at the ranch, so I figured I'd share it with you.  If only life's problems were as simple as a jar stuck on your nose..." With a deep sigh he knew he had to leave.  "I have to go now, they're waiting for you.  I love you so much - please always remember that." Placing a kiss on her forehead, he met Beth outside the curtain and they walked back to the waiting room.

Time passed slowly for Hayden while Melissa was in surgery, but he felt better having seen her and touched her, the warmth from her hand pushing away the memories of the cold he'd felt in her at the vineyard.  He had grown tired of pacing the floor and there was nothing he wanted to read, instead he chose to watch the door for any signs of Beth coming to tell him Melissa was out of surgery.  Much like a cook watching a pot of water waiting for it to boil, eyeing the door yielded painfully slow results.

It was with great relief when he saw Beth heading toward him, the smile on her face telling him all he needed to know.  "She's fine," she said, finally believing it herself.  "She'll be in recovery for a couple of hours before she goes to her room..." Cut off by the slam of the waiting room door.

"Beth? Hayden? What happened?  Is she ok?  I just found out..." gasped a winded Eric.  "We were on a call and my Captain met me at the station when we got back."

"She's out of surgery, she's going to be just fine," Beth happily relayed.

"She was shot," Hayden furthered, "at the ranch.  Kona led me to her, but I don't know much more than that."

"I think I can help with that," George interrupted as he came into the waiting room followed by Cecilia and Detective Landis.

"Hayden.  Eric." Beth introduced.  "This is Detective Landis, he's been working on the threats Melissa was receiving.  Detective, this is Melissa's boyfriend, Hayden, and her brother, Eric."

"Nice to meet you," he said with a token handshake.  "Let's all have a seat, shall we?"

Hayden suddenly felt very nervous, almost like a student sitting in on a conference between a parent and a teacher.  He felt isolated, lost without Melissa's hand to hold.  George, Cecilia and the Detective had occupied one small couch, Beth and Eric the other one, which left Hayden alone in a row of chairs.

"We have a person in custody," Detective Landis began.  "She has confessed to luring Melissa to the vineyard, shooting her, and leaving her for dead."

"Wait a minute..." Hayden thought for a moment.  "If she was lured then she knew the person who shot her.  How is that possible?"

Swallowing with a pained gulp, Cecilia spoke just above a whisper.  "Because it was Mylene."  Unable to look Hayden in the eyes, she continued.  "I'm so sorry Hayden, I had no idea."

"We can thank Kona for not letting her get out of the house," George added.

Hayden's thoughts raced, none of them making any clear sense.  "Mylene?  Why?"

"Mr. Christensen, you should be aware that she has also confessed to sending Miss Hamilton the threatening letters," the Detective finished.  "We've matched her finger prints to them successfully.  In her confession she states that it was her intent to 'save' you from Miss Hamilton, as it were."

At that moment, Hayden could think of nothing worse he could have heard.  "It was my fault," he muttered under his breath.  "She was shot because she was with me."

Sensing where his thoughts were going, Beth spoke for her best friend.  "She would never look at it that way Hayden - not ever.  She loves you."

"And look at where it got her!" he argued, pointing toward the emergency room.  "Bleeding and alone on the floor of a cold wine cellar!"

Even Eric couldn't hold this against the man his sister loved so much.  "Where it got her was the happiest I've ever seen her," he said, trying to reason with him.

Hayden wanted someone to wake him from the life that had so quickly gone from dream to nightmare.  "Detective?  Is there anything that needs to be done?"

"Son," George interrupted with a fatherly tone that calmed Hayden slightly.  "Everything is taken care of.  You concentrate on Melissa, leave the rest to us."

Nodding to George, he looked to Eric for help.  "She'll want to know that Kona is ok.  Will you take me to see her?  Beth says we can't see Melissa until she's out of recovery."  In the stunned waiting room there was an eerie silence as Eric simply nodded and walked toward the door.  "Beth?  Will you call me if there is any change?" he asked, satisfied with her nod, he followed Eric outside.

"Is he going to be ok?" Beth asked George after Hayden and Eric were gone.

"I don't know," the older man sighed.  "I just don't know..."

*****

The ride to the vet clinic was quiet.  Eric watched as Hayden sat nearly motionless, blindly twisting his bracelet.  He waited in the reception area, filling in the staff on what had happened, while Hayden visited with Kona in the back.  Careful not to rub the top of her head, now partially shaved to reveal the stitches closing her wounds, Hayden sat on the floor as Kona sniffed him.  Searching for Melissa's scent, she focused in on his hands and calmed down when she found the scent she was looking for. 

"She's going to be just fine, thanks to you."  Tilting her head as he spoke, Hayden felt like Kona really did understand.  "Thank you for always taking care of her," he offered simply, getting a slobbery wet lick on the cheek in return.  Resting her chin on Hayden's shoulder, Kona snuggled in close to his neck and stayed there.  He had seen Melissa hug Kona many times, but this was the first time Kona had ever extended the offer to him.  As he put his arms around her shoulders he felt her lean into him, hugging him back.  Tears welled in his eyes and all he could do was hold on until they stopped.  Clinging to Kona, he came to terms with what he had to do.

*****

Back at the hospital, visiting hours had ended and only Hayden remained.  Beth and Eric had gone to take Kona home, knowing that she would be Melissa's first priority.  George and Cecilia had returned to the ranch to update everyone and begin the process of wrapping things up for the trip.  It was just as well, for Hayden had a great deal on his mind.  Sitting alone, holding Melissa's hand, was all that seemed to keep him focused.

"Hello love," she whispered softly, slowly blinking her eyes.

"Hey," he answered with an innocent smile.  He had opted for the safer route, not willing to say the words he'd been rehearsing in his head for the last several hours.  "They caught Mylene."

"Oh," was all she could think to say.  "That was quick."

"She also admitted to sending you the letters..."

"Really?  So it's over then?"

"In more ways than one..." he said, letting go of her hand and walking to the foot of her bed, his back to her.  "I've moved up my flight to Sydney.  I leave later tonight.  We're just too different Melissa, it could never work."  Forcing his words past the lump building in his throat, he added.  "I just don't think we should see each other anymore."

"What about what I think or does that not matter anymore?" she fired back, not as angry at his words as she was at his actions.  "We are different, but they were always complimented by the other."

Hayden didn't know what to say that would sound credible, choosing instead to just stand with his hands on his hips while he tried to put some conviction behind his words.  "Look, I'm sorry to do this now, but I wanted to tell you myself, not leave some heartless note."

"So instead you'll tell me in a heartless tone without the simple respect of looking into my eyes?  Hayden talk TO me, not AT me.  Please."  She knew something was bothering him and she had pretty good idea what it was, but there was only one way to find out for sure.  Using her elbows to raise herself up, she worked to sit up, the stitches in her abdomen pulling against her skin causing her to grimace at the pain, her body weak from all it had been through.

The sounds of her struggle were too much for Hayden, turning around to find her trying to sit up, he rushed back and cradled her in his arms to help her lay back down.  "What do you think you're doing?" he said pulling her blanket back up over her stomach.

"Testing you and it worked.  It was a good performance love, but do you want to sit down and tell me the truth now?"

"I should have known better than to think I could fool you," he said with a sigh, sitting back in the chair at her side.  "It would have been so much easier if you could have just hated me."

"Hated you?  Is that what that was?  Your attempt to get me to hate you?"  Putting her hand over his she tried to reassure him.  "You could never say anything that would turn my love to hate.  Ever."

"The world almost lost you today and it was because of me."  His chin quivered despite his attempts to remain unemotional.  "I can't live with that Melissa." 

"We've had this discussion before love.  Please don't put me on a pedestal unless you're prepared to stand up there with me.  What happened today was no more your fault than it was mine.  It's life."

"I can't risk it," he fired back, "Don't you see that?"

"Risk what?  Life?  No, I don't see that."

A single tear rolled down Hayden's cheek, his heart truly conflicted.  He wanted to protect her, but the idea of not being with her was ripping through him like a dull knife.  "I don't know what to do," he confessed, running his fingers across her hand.

Melissa knew what he needed and they sat in silence while she worked up the courage to tell him.  "You need to keep your flight," she told him quietly.

"What?"

"Have you ever really thought about why I love what I do?"

"Because you help people."

"That's the noble part of it," she explained, "but not the entire reason.  It's in your eyes Hayden.  For the first time in your life, you feel helpless.  You want your life back - the easy one where everything was perfect and nothing went wrong.  The life you thought you had control of.  In one day, one simple blink of an eye, that life is gone.  This isn't about keeping me safe or about what good I have yet to do - it's about you hating how you feel right now."

"It's not..." he tried to argue, only to be cut off.

"It is and I know because I've been there.  My hero's have always been the people left to wait.  The parents who's children are missing, the daughter worried because her father has Alzheimer's and has wandered off, the husbands and wives who slept outside of Ground Zero waiting for their missing spouse.  Those people are hero's Hayden because fate made them helpless, because control was ripped from them and they found a way to cope."  She took a deep breath and squeezed his hand.  "I search because to help is to not feel helpless.  I don't know if it's why my mom is a nurse, but I know it's why Eric is a fireman.  The simple fact is that you were never in control, and that's a tough lesson to accept."

"Why do I suddenly feel like if I leave, then I'm running away?" he questioned.

Melissa smiled at him as she raised his head with gentle pressure under his chin.  "You will leave, but it's only running away if you don't intend on coming back."

"What if I didn't," he said softly, his eyes fixed on the fingers holding his hand.

"Life would go on.  I would hate it and I would miss you with every inch of my soul because I believe we should hold onto each other and not let go.  Sadly love, that only works if both people want the same thing.  Go to Sydney, loose yourself in your work for a while - take a break."

"Why are you so willing to let me go?"

"I suspect it's the same reason you were going to walk out on me."

"Ouch," he mumbled standing up, her honesty stinging him.

"This has nothing to do with not loving you Hayden.  It is not the case now, nor will it ever be.  I want you to stay but the truth is that anything I say isn't going to do any good.  I could sit here with you all night and get lost in your eyes.  I could tell you that I love you and that I can't imagine my life without you.  I could say that today doesn't matter - that this isn't the worst thing that will ever happen to us.  The simple fact is that you can't believe in us until you can believe in yourself again.  It is up to you love and, even though I wish I could, I can't do it for you."

Hayden closed his eyes and lowered his head - his will conceiting defeat.  "I should go."

"Wait.  Sit next to me for a just a minute," she asked, patting the edge of her bed until he finally sat.  Cradling his face in her hand, she tried to look into his eyes, but he kept looking away.

"I can't..." he whispered.

Turning her head to meet his gaze instead, she was determined to tell him what was on her mind.  "I still remember the way your hand felt on my shoulder the very first night we met, and how the world disappears when you hold me as we dance. I love that listening to your heart beating relaxes me into sleep and that whenever I think back to our first real date, my eyes get glassy with tears.  You put your faith in Kona today and you saved my life.  No matter what you say or what conclusions you come to, I will always be helplessly in love with you."

With his resolve slipping, he gave her a gentle kiss on her forehead as he stood up from the bed.  He offered her nothing more than a parting glance as he turned to leave the room.  Pausing briefly at the door he thought of running back into her arms and never letting go, but he held tight to the idea that this is what would protect her.  Taking a deep breath and holding it, he made the final steps out of her room, tears rolling down his cheeks as he exhaled.  "I love you," he whispered as he walked down the empty hall, wondering why something right had to hurt so much.

* "Return to Pooh Corner" by Kenny Loggins