Parts 27 & 28

"How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face..."
-W.B. Yeats

*Part 27

The dawn of premiere day found Melissa watching it's golden hues from Hayden's patio, her mind working to find a peaceful center.  They had spent the night before curled up together on the couch watching The Tonight Show, both caught off guard when the camera cut to Melissa during the interview.  She had never seen herself on television and found the feeling rather odd.  "At least I was smiling," she had laughed to Hayden.

It had been sometime since Melissa had had a restless night, it seemed since meeting Hayden she couldn't wait to close her eyes and see what her dreams held for her.  But that night, unable to sleep, she eventually found herself on the patio with Kona, not wanting to interrupt Hayden. 

By dawn she was no closer to answers and decided to take Kona on their morning jog, hoping it would ease her mind, thankful that it did to some small extent.  Returning to the still quiet house, she stretched out on the patio lounge, Kona squeezing in next to her.  Messaging her fingers through the soft fur behind Kona's ears, she was finally lulled to sleep.

The house was up and buzzing later that morning.  Hayden's parents, who had arrived sometime during the night, were sipping coffee in the kitchen with Tove and Kaylen when Hayden came out from his room. 

"Everyone is up early this morning," he yawned.

"And we got beat," laughed Tove.  "Did Melissa even go to bed?"

"Sure...after we watched some TV.  Why?"

Kaylen giggled slightly, merely pointing to Melissa and Kona asleep on the patio. 

Hayden picked up a blanket from the couch and quietly walked out to her.  Kneeling next to them, he wondered how he had gotten so lucky.  Some people searched their whole life for something to be passionate about, be that life or love, and he had found it in both.  Tonight his two passions would truly meet when he and Melissa would arrive at the premiere together. 

Running his hand over Kona's face, she opened her eyes but didn't move.  "Do you want to eat?" he whispered to her, but Kona didn't flinch.  He was still learning about the partnership she and Melissa shared, but that morning he came a little closer to understanding.  For the first time he took the time to really watch Kona's face when he spoke to her, noticing the sympathetic peaks that formed above her deep brown eyes and how her expression changed in response to his question.  No matter how good breakfast sounded, she wouldn't leave Melissa and her eyes made that clear.

"OK girl, I understand," he had smiled.  Covering them both with the blanket, Kona simply sighed and closed her eyes as Hayden returned to the kitchen.

"What has got you so cheery this morning?" his mom asked, noticing his smile as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

"This morning I get to finalize the itinerary for next week," he said taking a careful sip.

"You've never been this excited about a press tour before," questioned his dad.

"Melissa has never gone with him before," Kaylen taunted, causing Hayden to roll his eyes.

"Hayden?" his mom said suspiciously.

He wasn't going to play games with his parents about Melissa.  Toronto had been different, he was in their house and they had just met her, but so much had happened between them since then.  He really wanted his parents to know what she meant to him.  "I've asked her to go along with me," he said with an uncommon 'matter of fact' tone to his voice.  "Kona is going too.  We leave tomorrow."  He paused for a moment, noticing his parent's glances to each other.  "I love her," he continued, "and I want her with me."

 "I see," his mom replied.  She was not one to skip around subjects with her son, and this subject concerned her.  "Aren't you going to New York?" 

"Yes, but its ok Mom.  We talked about it.  It will be all right."

"But will she?" his dad interrupted, always asking the question that started a debate.

"She'll be with me," Hayden's tone turned defensive.  He loved his dad but they had a way of pushing each other's buttons.  "She loves me too."

"Will that be enough?"

"Dad, don't start," Tove interrupted, understanding that today was not the day for this.

"Your Dad and I are sure you'll be a great comfort to each other on this trip," Ally interrupted, always trying to help them both see the others point of view.  "But..."

"But what?" Hayden said, fighting the urge to argue.

"There is a difference between saying yes and just not saying no.  Returning to New York is great - as long as it's for the right reasons, and loving you isn't one." 

Ally's insight stung, but it had always helped Hayden.  He valued his mom's opinions and this time was no different.  He couldn't argue logic, his parents were right.  Melissa had never said yes, she had just not said no.  Remembering how she had told him to simply ask instead of worry, Hayden responded in a much calmer tone.  "There is only one person here who knows that," he said before returning to the patio.

Awoken by a gentle rub on her back, Melissa opened her eyes and smiled at him.  "Good morning love," her smile dropping when she saw the concern on his face.  "Is everything ok?"

"I need to talk to you about our trip," he started, Melissa's face going suddenly pale.  "And that's why.  I haven't seen that face since the night we met."

"Hayden..." she tried to speak, but he kept talking.

"Please Lissa, let me do this.  You know I love you and I would be proud to have you go with me on this press tour, but if going back there is what's causing you to sleep out here, then it's not worth it.  I'll understand, I promise."

"I know you would, but I wouldn't," she told him softly, her fingers smoothing his tussled hair.  "I couldn't sleep last night so I came out here.  I don't know why exactly, but it gave me time to think about this trip and about what I want.  There is a time to hold on and a time to let go.  I'm ready to try and let this go."

Putting his hand behind her neck, he pulled her close for a kiss.  "As long as you don't let me go," he said, relieved.

"No, I'm afraid you're stuck with me," she grinned.  "I'm worried about a lot of things love, but they're nothing that I can't handle as long as you're beside me.  Ok?"

"Absolutely.  Now that we have that settled, what time do you need to leave to drive to Kate's house and do you want me to go?"

"I should leave soon and while I would love the company, don't you have to call your manager and get the details settled for this trip?"

"Yeah, I think I'd better do that before you change your mind," he laughed.  "I'll get you some tea for the road.  This is going to be great you know."

"Tonight you mean?"

"Every night," he said, having never been more certain about anything before.

*****

Leaving Kona at Kate's house was never a difficult thing for Melissa.  She likened it to leaving a child with a doting grandparent, knowing they would be pampered and spoiled every minute they were there.  To Kate, Kona was like her grandchild and Melissa trusted her.

Kate and her husband Tony never had kids, only their German Shepherds, including Kona's mother, Fancy.  It didn't seem like so long ago that Melissa was introducing herself to Tony at a Search and Rescue seminar.  New to the program, she had just begun to look for the puppy that would become her partner.  She loved watching Fancy work and admired the devotion she showed toward Tony.

"Genetics give them the talent to do the work," he had told her, "but it's love that gives them the rest."

Tony became a mentor to Melissa, and Kate a trusted friend.  She admired the way they looked at life and how they made their dogs an integral part of their family.  When they decided to breed Fancy, it was Kate who had called Melissa.  "Fancy thinks you're ready for a partner," she'd said. 

Six little brown, floppy eared fuzz balls awaited her arrival three months later, but as Melissa approached their pen, only one was jumping up.  Bouncing above all the rest, her dark marble eyes filled with desire, this one little pup wanted to be hers.  "I think you've been picked," Tony had laughed.  Kona had been by her side ever since.

When Kate lost Tony to cancer, it became even more important to Melissa to not let her loose Kona.  Anytime they found themselves in Southern California, they would try and visit, Kona always knowing she was going to see "Mama Dog and Grandma," as Melissa would call them.

This visit was no different.  Kona had bounded happily toward the door, jumping up to trigger the door bell, tail wagging happily when Kate opened the door and a gray whiskered Fancy poked her head out.  Melissa had stayed a while to talk to her about everything that was going on.  She wished she had longer to visit, but she needed to get back to get ready for Hayden's big night.

All the way back Melissa kept repeating the last thing Kate had said to her.  It was a mantra that Tony had passed on when she started training Kona.  Every time she'd be nervous or uncertain he would remind her that nervousness passed down the leash to the dog like wire.  "Keep it smooth," he would tell her, "and it will all work out."  Kate hadn't forgotten, and Melissa wasn't going to either.

*****

Hayden, Tove, and David stood dressed and ready to go later that evening, waiting on the ladies who weren't quite ready yet.

"Ally...honey?" David tentatively called down the hall.  "The car is here sweetheart..." Already not a big fan of his youngest sons very public life, he wanted to see the movie, but skip the hubbub surrounding it.

"Relax David," Ally replied leading the way toward them, brushing her hands over her tailored tan pantsuit.  "We're ready."

"Don't forget that we had to get you three ready first," Kaylen joked.  "Where's my tie, where's my socks?  Honestly, you three couldn't find anything."

"You look stunning," Hayden whispered as he kissed Melissa on the cheek.  She had picked out a dusty rose tank style jumpsuit with a sheer full length Nehru jacket embroidered with Japanese flowers to cover it.  By some miracle, Beth had even found shoes to match that had a low enough heel for them to be deemed comfortable.  "You're missing something though."

A quick wash of panic struck her.  "I am?  What?"

"This..." he said as he pulled a black velvet box out of his suit pocket, handing it to her.

With the rest of the family watching, Melissa's hands shook slightly as she opened the box to reveal a free-floating, heart shaped diamond pendant on a thin gold chain.  "Oh Hayden..." was all that she could muster. 

He took the necklace out of its box and carefully placed it around her neck as she lifted her hair up out of the way.  His fingers brushed over her soft skin as he locked the clasp, smiling when he noticed she had goose bumps on her arms.  "There," he smiled.  "What do you think?"

"I think I need insulin it's so sweet in here," Kaylen joked.  "Are we going to go see a movie or what?"

As Kaylen took Tove's hand and dragged him dramatically from the house, David and Ally followed leaving Melissa alone with Hayden.  "I think, more than ever, that you walked out of one of my dreams," she said, running her fingers over the necklace.  "Thank you."

Hayden pulled her close, lightly brushing his full lips against hers.  "I know you walked out of mine," he whispered.  "So, are you ready for this?"

"Probably not, but let's go anyway," she grinned, taking his arm as he offered it to her.  "I hear the star is really cute."  Laughing together, they stepped inside the limousine.

Kaylen amused the family on the way to the premiere by harassing Tove, who was doubling as her date for the evening.  Laughing at the sibling's bantering back and fourth relaxed Melissa, even as the car pulled up to the theater entrance and the roar of the crowd took over.  David and Ally exited first, followed by Tove and Kaylen, the crowd growing louder each time.  With a smile of encouragement, Hayden took Melissa's hand and squeezed it gently before helping her out.

The shrieks from the crowd were overpowering.  Hayden handled it like the professional that he was - smiling and waving, taking pictures with fans and signing autographs.  Keeping her with him and holding onto her whenever possible, he made the trip into the theater an easy one.  The crowds were all very friendly and the quick interviews that Hayden and Tove did in the lobby seemed to go well. 

As they sat and watched the movie, Melissa sat stunned by Hayden's performance.  Moved more often than not, she lost site of who she was watching, completely caught up in the character that he made so believable and real.  He held her hand throughout and seemed to breathe a little easier when the credits rolled and the audience applauded.  "I loved it almost as much as I love you," she had whispered to him as it ended, getting a kiss in return.

The party after the show was fantastic and filled with food, fun and happy faces.  Melissa had made the initial rounds with Hayden, but eventually opted to save Kaylen and sit with her, David and Ally.  The four chatted for a while and were eventually abandoned by Kaylen who spotted someone she wanted to talk to.

"Would you like to dance?" David asked Melissa out of the blue, Ally prodding him on.

"I would love to, thank you."

Well aware of the differences that Hayden had with his father, it was obvious that Hayden learned how to be a gentleman from his father.  Pulling out Melissa's chair and offering her his arm, he escorted her to the dance floor for a very formal waltz.

"It's the one dance I know," he had smiled at her, happy that she could follow his often-bungled steps.  There was an uncomfortable silence between them before David spoke again.  "Is this what you expected?"

"I didn't know what to expect, but it's been fun watching Hayden.  I love that he's so proud of this movie."

"...and you love him?" he added, almost as if asking a question.

"I do," Melissa blushed.  "How about you?  Did you like the movie?"

"I did," his harsh tone softening.  "I'm very proud of him."

Without really thinking Melissa opened her mouth and words she probably should have thought about first, spilled out.  "Maybe you should tell him that instead of me."

"Oh, he knows," he said simply.

"Yeah," she paused.  "I know he loves me, but it's still nice to hear."

Melissa didn't see David smile, just heard him mumble a quick, "I suppose." 

As the song was ending, Hayden tapped his dad on the shoulder.  "May I cut in?"  The next song started and the tempo was a fast one.

"By all means," David replied, stepping aside.

"Ready for spin?" Hayden asked, pulling her close.  He had seen her dancing with his dad and could think of only doing that very thing himself, as quickly as possible.

She barely got out, "Give it your best shot," before he was leading her around the floor.

This year...is gonna be incredible
This year...is gonna be the one
All the planets are lining up for me
This year...I'm gonna have fun
January, I learn to fly
February, loves gonna find me
March, April, May, I'll get carried away...*

The words mirrored life for Melissa.  She had been carried away by Hayden and taken to a life that seemed more like a dream, but tomorrow would be different.  Tomorrow the dream would end and she would walk willingly back into her nightmare.

* "This Year" by Chantel Kreviazuk

*Part 28

Melissa sat quietly on the plane, her eyes focused on the pages of her open book.  Hayden was seated next to her, reading through some papers of his own, or at least that's how it appeared.

"How are you holding up, beautiful?" he asked, leaning over toward her.

"Fine I think."

"Then how come you've been reading that same page for twenty minutes?"

Melissa could only shake her head and close the book.  "Slow reader?" she joked.  "Why don't you fill me in on where you're going while we're here.  One of those papers must be your schedule."

"Where WE are going," he clarified, pulling another folder from his backpack.  "Everything is sort of scattered, except for Tuesday.  There is just one short segment on a morning show and then we have the rest of the day to do whatever you want. 

They spent the remainder of the flight talking about the premiere and about what to expect, interview wise.  Hayden did his best to prepare her for the public life she was about to be thrust into, simply because she was with him.  The time passed quickly and it wasn't long before Melissa happened to glance out of the window, catching sight of the Statue of Liberty.  Knowing exactly where she was, she could only stare as she looked upon the forever-changed New York skyline.

Hayden saw her sigh and, lacing his long fingers through hers, raised her hand up to kiss it in quiet support.

"We're here," she told him.  Whispering under her breath as she looked back out the window,  "I'm back..."

*****

Hayden had a full schedule the next day, starting with an early appearance on the Today Show.  The bell staff at their hotel was kind and courteous as they left in the pre-dawn hours for the television studio.  Melissa had worried about bringing Kona along, both because of the situations they would find themselves in and of the uncertainty of a strange city.  Thankfully, she was finding her worry to be unfounded.  Everyone they had encountered from the hotel staff to the various crews at the studios had been wonderful to both she and Kona.

Evening found them back at their hotel, Hayden mentally exhausted from two television appearances and a series of overseas press interviews.  Melissa was putting on her shoes, preparing to take Kona on her last walk of the night.

"Hang on while I find my shoes and I'll go with you," he offered, rolling off the bed.

"You're tired...why don't you rest?  We'll be ok."

"I know, but I haven't really been able to talk with you today and I miss you."

He had a way of smiling with his entire face and it melted her heart.  There was no way she could deny him and she was equally certain that he knew it.  Hand in hand they walked out of the hotel just as the sun was beginning to set, letting Kona lead them along the streets around the hotel.

"So, are you doing as well as you seem to be, or should I nominate you for next years Oscars?" Hayden joked.

"So far so good, but we haven't really been anywhere outside until now.  It's odd to be walking around here and having everything seem so normal - like it's Anytown, USA.  I guess it's not what I expected."

"What did you expect?"

Melissa thought for a moment on his question, unsure how to answer.  "I think I expected the city to still be mourning, to have not let it go quite so easily, to see something that would remind people how horrible it all was."  Her mind racing forward with its thoughts, she came to a realization she hadn't expected.  Stopping Hayden, she turned to look at him before continuing.  "How come they've moved on and I haven't?"

"You're here aren't you?" he answered, squeezing her hand.  "A wise woman told me once that keeping going is part of life.  There is a difference between going on and forgetting.   I'm sure they haven't forgotten anymore than you have."

"A wise woman huh?" she laughed, remembering it was her that had said that to him.

"The wisest," he smirked.

The couple kept walking, eventually standing in front of the Empire State Building.

"Do you think they'll let Kona go up so we can watch the sunset?" Hayden wondered.

"Only one way to find out," she laughed as she opened the doors to go ask the person at the information desk.  She never made it, stopped flat by a display on one side of the lobby. 

Blocked off by velvet sanctions stood a life size statue of a German shepherd.  It's body stretched out, front feet standing on a raised platform designed to look like rock.  With its white base coat, the statue had been hand painted with an American Eagle on it's chest, a waving flag down each side and the World Trade Center towers over it.  She had heard of the statues, but had never seen even a picture of one. 

Hayden came up and wrapped his arms around her from behind, taking in everything about the statue and the flags that surrounded it.  Resting his head on her shoulder he softly read the plaque mounted on the front of the sculpted rock:

 "DOGNY
America's Tribute to Search and Rescue Dogs"

"You see beautiful," he whispered.  "I told you they didn't forget."

Melissa held tight to Hayden, fighting the tears that began to well up in her eyes.  They never made it up to the top of the Empire State Building that night.  Instead the three of them stood in the lobby, admiring the celebration of a hero that was close to their hearts.

*****

Tuesday's sunrise found the threesome at another television studio, this time waiting for Hayden's short interview on Good Morning America.  It was to be his only press engagement for the day and he had promised her a day on the town - anywhere she wanted to go.  They had been lucky in that the press had all but left them alone, encountering only a few fans wanting pictures.  She hoped that would continue today knowing where they were destined to go.

The interview had gone well and, as the morning leaned toward the afternoon, they headed for the waiting car.

"So...where do you want to go beautiful?" he asked.

"Greenwich," she said simply.  "I've always wanted to see Greenwich."

While it wasn't the answer he was expecting, it was her choice so the driver dropped them off in the heart of Greenwich Village.  Sitting at a small outdoor café, Kona resting at Melissa's feet, they enjoyed an early lunch while listening to a street performer play the guitar.  Neither said much, both waiting for the other to talk first it seemed.

"Feel like a walk?" she finally said out of the blue.  "A long one?"

"Anywhere with you," he said simply, not needing to ask where they were walking. 

As they made their way south toward the Tribeca district, Melissa tightened her grip on Hayden's hand.  "I don't know if I can do this," she pleaded.

"You can," he told her with unwavering confidence. "Just remember that it's not like before.  There is no more rubble, there is no more ash, no one is hurt, and there aren't people calling for help.  Most importantly - you don't have to be strong because I'll do that for you.  The only thing down there you have to deal with are memories."

Melissa smiled and nodded as they continued walking, recalling those horrible days, trying to overlay them with how things looked now.  The knot forming in her stomach told her all she needed to know.  "This is where we would eat and regroup," she said as she looked around.  "Over there was where they had cots where we could sleep and the vet station was right next to it where the dogs would get their eyes washed out and their paws bandaged.  We would pile into the backs of trucks and ride in from here."

The damaged buildings along the walk to Ground Zero were draped with black netting, one had been screened with a picture of the skyline with a giant heart behind it.  Below the picture were the simple words; 'The human spirit is not measured by the size of the act, but by the size of the heart.'  Melissa reached down and rubbed Kona's ears, believing there were no bigger hearts than the ones walking beside her.

As they stood at the fence surrounding the crater that had once been the Trade Center Towers, Melissa held even tighter to Hayden's hand.  "Nothing is the same, you were right," she said peering through the chain link fence.  "A part of me is happy it's all gone, but another part is sad."

"Because you left a piece of your heart in that rubble," he said putting his arm around her waist.

"And now it's gone..."

"...But not wasted," he assured her.

She didn't respond, just looked over at a wall that still held pictures of the missing and the dead.  People trying to come to terms with their own grief were still visiting the makeshift shrine, strewn with flowers, flags and candles.

"All those people Hayden" she paused, knowing she was going to ask a question that couldn't be answered.  "Why?  The firemen, the police, the people in the tower and in the planes...why?"

"I wish I knew beautiful.  I wish I knew..."

Melissa turned from Hayden and walked over to a large black mural.  At the bottom was the earth with flights of stairs ascending to the gates of heaven.  Walking up the stairs were firefighters and police officers, and on one landing between flights - there was a dog.  To the side the artist had written a poem.

 "In hand, body and soul
 We protect and defend
 We rescue and we save
 Our lives are dedicated
 To the love of it all
 In need we stand
 In need we ascend
 The Lord awaits us as
 We approach the gates
 Of Heaven
 Where love and peace
 Remains
 For all eternity
  -Anthony Martinez

Looking back at the empty crater, Melissa started to come to terms with what she had been a part of.  In the moment that she had looked away from the mural she saw a vision of those same stairs leading from the empty lot up into the sky.  For the first time in two years, she felt a burn in her eyes and tears rolling down her cheeks.  For the first time in two years, she didn't fight it.  As they began to fall faster, Hayden brought her closer to him and she rested her head against his shoulder.  Closing her eyes, she whispered a quivering "Forgive me..."

Confused, Hayden lifted her chin up so he could look into her eyes.  Never had he seen so much pain in something so alluring.  "Forgive you for what?"

Looking back to the empty lot, her voice still a whisper, he had to struggle to hear her speak.  "There were so many I couldn't help..."

Hayden had always believed that returning to this place would be difficult for Melissa because of the memories she held of the people they couldn't save, not because of those they couldn't find. 

"Oh Melissa...look at me," he said softly, guiding her gaze away from the fence.  "Is that what you think?  That you failed them somehow?  Lissa, that's just not true."  Wrapping his arms around her, she buried her head into his chest as he swayed slowly, trying to comfort her.  "You did help them, even the ones you didn't find...you searched with all your heart and their families know that.  They know that from the moment you arrived here, that you cared enough to risk your own life for strangers because you knew that someone wanted them home.  You did for them what they couldn't do - you searched the places they couldn't go.  You were here beautiful...and that helped everyone." 

Sobs now racking her body, Melissa held even tighter to Hayden, clutching his shirt in her fists.  As her legs weakened, he held her up.  When she cried so hard she lost her breath, he would kiss her head and help her relax.  He told her it was going to be ok, that he was there, and that he loved her.  Protected by his arms, she cried for those who died and cried even more for those left behind to navigate life without the person they loved.  For that moment, on that busy New York Street, life stopped long enough for Melissa to start to heal, held tight in the safety of Hayden's arms.