Parts 37 & 38

"How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face..."
-W.B. Yeats

*Part 37

Tove had been in Australia for two weeks and was still thrown by the actions of his younger brother.  A man full of anger, consumed by a rage that seemed to grow a little more each day, faced him.  Hayden refused to talk about Melissa, not asking about her and walking away if Tove mentioned her name.  How was he ever going to get him to call her if he couldn't even get him to talk?

Hayden's schedule was slowly working in Tove's favor.  Up every morning just after dawn, he would go for a jog through Sydney and then it was off to the studios for the days filming.  When he wasn't filming, he was rehearsing for the light saber battle scenes.  Saber practice was physically demanding, causing Hayden to find himself near exhaustion by the end of his day.  It was after one of these particularly rough days that Tove decided to try again when Hayden returned that night.

"Have you eaten?  You look beat."

"Not hungry," grunted Hayden, his expression softening for a moment before shaking his head and sitting down.  "I think I'm loosing my mind," he began to confess.  "I walk in and I swear I smell jasmine.  I jog every morning past the shops downtown and I see so many thing that she..." He stopped himself with a heavy sigh, as if dreaming was somehow wrong.  "I dream of her."

"Dreams must be comforting."

I see her crying and alone with no one to hold her," he said quietly.  "I mean it Tove, I think I really am going crazy."

"So call her."  It seemed like a simple enough solution.

"No, I've hurt her enough."

"You didn't pull the trigger you know," Tove volleyed back.  "The sooner you realize that the sooner you can get your life back."

Shaking his head and mumbling something about him not understanding, Hayden took a bottle of water from the refrigerator and went to his room for the night. 

The next afternoon Tove watched a fight rehearsal between Hayden and Ewan, finding himself concerned for Ewan's safety.  Hayden had apparently found a way to release that rage that was building up.  Tapped on the shoulder by George, Tove followed him outside to talk.

"Any luck," he asked simply.

"None, he won't even talk about her, he just walks away."

"We're going to shoot this scene tomorrow and then I'm making changes to the shooting schedule so he has some time off.  We're going on three weeks and he's just getting worse.  See what you can do.  I know your parents arrive tomorrow, they really don't need to see this," and with a pat on the shoulder, George went back inside.

As expected, Ally and David arrived the next morning in time to watch the morning filming of the fight scene.  They applauded his intensity for the scene without realizing what everyone else knew - Hayden wasn't doing much acting, he really was that angry.  He greeted his parents with cordial formalness before excusing himself for lunch to regroup.

"Mom, let me take your bag, I'll run it back to the apartment" he offered, momentarily remembering his manners.  He knew his mom traveled with a large bag of magazines that she always wished she had just left on the plane.

"Thank you dear," she smiled, handing him the cumbersome bag and watching him walk off.

"Do you need a ride son?" David offered.

"No," came the simple reply.  "I need to be alone for a bit."

Tove had gone to check on Ewan.  "Bloody Hell," he gasped, out of breath from the intense battle.  "It's going to look great on film, if it doesn't kill me in the process."

The Christensen's watched the faces of the crew and noted the gentle shakes of their heads after Hayden left the soundstage.  "Tove?" Ally called.  "Can we talk to you?"

He knew what it was about, so they took a long walk around the studio lot while he explained everything that had been going on.  He was near the end of his story when his cell phone rang, displaying Melissa as the caller.

"Melissa?" his voice high with anticipation.  His parents watched as his body sagged slightly.  "Oh, sorry.  Hi Eric.  Is everything ok?"

Though only getting one side of the conversation, it was clear that everything was not ok.
"What's happened?" David asked as the call ended.

Looking like someone had sucker punched him, Tove seemed defeated.  "Melissa collapsed.  Eric found her in her room.   She had ransacked it and was crying in a heap on the floor.  She thinks this is her fault, that she never should have told him to go."  His growing resentment didn't go unnoticed by his parents.  "That's it.  He is not doing this to her anymore.  After the last scene tonight, stay here for a while.  It's time my little brother and I had a chat," he told them.

Hayden returned for the last scene filled with even more rage than before.  With his eyes glassy, his teeth clinched and a quiver in his chin, he was the ideal vision of a man consumed by hate.  George had no sooner called the night a wrap that Hayden fled the set without a word to his family.

Suspecting he was headed to his apartment, Tove followed and walked in to find Hayden slumped in a chair, magazines scattered around the floor.  "I wasn't loosing my mind.  I did smell jasmine.  It was all over YOUR clothes," he said as he picked one up and threw it at his brother, "because you were with her!"

Tove opened the magazine to see pictures of he and Melissa leaving the courtroom.  He hadn't noticed the smile on her face before, too busy keeping the press at bay, but he certainly saw it in the photo.  "Yes," he said calmly, "I was with her.  This was the day of the sentencing."

"You just couldn't wait for me to be away could you?  You just couldn't pass up a beautiful woman without putting the moves on her!  So, tell me brother, did you like my hand me downs?"

"Now you listen to me!"  Tove shouted back, matching Hayden's anger.  "NEVER will she be a 'hand me down.'  Do you understand me?  I was there because YOU weren't.  I have tried to talk to you about her but you keep walking away.  This time you're going to hear it, so sit down and listen!"

"I want the truth Tove.  I went through your stuff and saw the gift in your bag.  I know it's from her."  He felt like he was watching himself become a person he didn't recognize.  Rubbing harshly on his temples, he dropped back into the chair ready to face his brother's words - expecting the worst.

Tove saw this as the opportunity he'd been hoping for and he wasn't going to let it pass.  "Oh, you want the truth do you?  Do you want to hear how she fell asleep snuggled against my chest?  Do you want me to tell you how I stayed at her house and carried her to bed?   Obviously you can't handle seeing her on my arm."

"You son of a bitch!"  Hayden bolted toward his brother, fist clinched.

"You want to deck me?  Go ahead!  Try it!  If that's what it takes for you to remember how much you love her and want to defend her - then by all means, lay me out!" he offered with his arms spread wide in invitation.  "But truth is only whole when it accompanies fact."

"I hate you," he spit.

"Good!" Tove's tone growing optimistic, "that means you're hurting - that the memories of Melissa are eating through you, reminding you of what you threw away.  Now, sit back down and listen to the facts little brother," he said giving him a push back into the chair.

"I got your cryptic little message and I went to see her to get the whole story.  She did fall asleep snuggled against my chest, but only because she was exhausted and couldn't sleep without you.  I did carry her to her bed because Beth and Eric asked me to stay with her while they worked and she wasn't strong enough to climb the stairs.  I went with her to the courthouse because she couldn't answer any questions about where you were without crying.  My clothes smell like her because she hugged me goodbye at the airport."

Hayden sat and stewed for a moment, stunned by Tove's speech and unsure how to respond to his brother. 

"Don't you 'how dare' me Hayden," he continued.  "How dare you!  You were supposed to take care of her and you left!  You will never find anyone like her again and you walked away!  When she was lying against me, she smelled you.  Each time she would talk about you, the tone in her voice dripped with love for you.  When she'd beat me at cards and would let herself smile, the light came back to her eyes and I saw the woman you fell in love with."

"...and you fell in love too," Hayden whispered.

"I understood what you love and I know that if I loved someone like her, I wouldn't leave her.  She deserves everything she wants and she wants you."  His tone softening, he sat down in front of his brother.  "Do you see how the truth isn't complete without fact Hayden?  Do you understand that in truth she was shot because she was with you, but in fact, it wasn't your fault?"

Hayden struggled, trying to balance his anger, his logic, and his pain.  "But the package..."

"That gift is for you.  She stayed up the night before I left doing it. She wouldn't tell me what it was, only that I should give it to you when I thought you were ready.  Maybe it's what you need now.  I'm going to go get Mom and Dad," and he stood to leave.

"Tove, wait."  Hayden had always looked to him for guidance and had never been let down.  With the boyish innocence returning to his expression he swallowed hard before choking out "I'm sorry."

"I'm not the one who needs to hear that," he said as he opened the door to leave.  "You know what she told me to tell you?  That she would rather live just one day with you than a hundred without you."

"Did she say she loved me?" he asked tentatively.

"No, she said I didn't need to tell you that because you already knew it."  He was just about to close the door when he poked his head back in.  "She did say that she would follow any path and face its obstacles if it led to you.  The question is - would you do the same?"

Hayden lowered his head as Tove left the apartment.  Walking slowly toward the back bedroom, he picked up the wrapped gift, the card addressed with only a smiley face.  He opened the card and smiled at the simple note.  "There are no perfect people, love..." Finishing what she hadn't written, he whispered, "...Only people perfect for each other."

He didn't want to be home when Tove returned with their parents, so he picked up the gift and drove to a small coffee shop that he passed on his morning jogs.  Only there did he unwrap the gift slowly, wondering what had kept her up all night doing.  Inside he found a CD case and a scrapbook.  The cover picture on the CD brought tears to his eyes.  He hadn't seen the picture before, but remembered everything about the day it was taken by the older couple at Yosemite.  How had everything changed?  He ran his fingers over the picture recalling how nervous he had been to finally tell her that he loved her and how they had walked back in the rain.

Sitting the CD aside he picked up the scrapbook, it's cloth cover holding the familiar scent of jasmine.  He held it close, breathing in the sweetness of it and knowing that Melissa had held it and filled its pages just for him.  He opened the cover and read the first page.  "Welcome to our story," she had written.  "Each page in this book goes with a song on the CD - no peeking ahead."

Letting her down had become a habit Hayden was determined to change.  He closed the scrapbook and took the CD, walking slowly back to his car and driving to his trailer on the studio lot where he had a portable CD player.  Settling on the couch, he opened the scrapbook and put on his headphones, recognizing the first song immediately.  Opening the pages of the scrapbook he found the picture of them dancing at the Golden Globes as he listened to 'Wherever You Will Go.'  She had written her memories of the night under the picture about how this handsome stranger had brought her and Kona water and later danced away with her heart.  The page facing it held the letter he had sent her after, asking if they could keep in touch.

As the songs changed, he faithfully flipped the pages.  Pictures of the Oscar night carpet arrivals, laughing out loud at an arrowed caption of their day at Disneyland.  "Look," she had scribbled.  "Comfortable shoes!"  Some pictures made him smile, some made him cry, while some weren't there at all.  The memories without songs hit him the hardest, knowing they were squeezed in between each melody, adding more emotion to the next track.

The end of the CD was upon him, or so he thought.  He listened to 'Shine On' while looking at pictures of them from 'The View', not able to remember any songs they had listened to after that one.  Flipping to the last page, he expected to find it blank, but instead there was a note but no picture.  Tears rolled from his eyes as another song began to play...

"Christopher Robin and I walked along
Under branches lit up by the moon
Posing our questions to Owl and Eeyore
As our days disappeared all too soon
But I've wandered much further today than I should
And I can't seem to find my way back to the Wood"

"No," he gasped loudly, unable to believe what he was hearing.  "She didn't.  She couldn't," but her note explained it all.

"I heard you," she wrote.  "From your calls to me at the vineyard, to your singing to me in the hospital - I heard you.  You told me to fight and I did.  You told me I would be ok and I am.  Kona placed her trust in you and you didn't let her down.  I'm able to write this because you followed your heart.  Listen to the words of this song again love, maybe you'll understand why it was stuck in your head that day.  A song about loosing life's simple pleasures and trying to find them again seems very appropriate.  This book holds the reminders of my life's pleasure - being with you."

As the song ended, so had Hayden's indecision.

"Believe me if you can, I've finally come back
To the House at Pooh Corner by one
What do you know, There's so much to be done
Count all the bees in the hive
Chase all the clouds from the sky
Back to the days of Christopher Robin
Back to the ways of Christopher Robin
Back to the days of Pooh" *

Back indeed.  Back was where he needed to go.

* "Return to Pooh Corner" by Kenny Loggins

*Part 38

Ally and David awoke the next morning alarmed that Hayden hadn't returned to the apartment after the argument with his brother.  Calming their fears, Tove assured them Hayden was fine and had spent the night in his trailer on the studio lot.  "It pays to make friends with the security folks," he had joked.

The Christensen's drove to the studio, ready to see if the heated chat had done any good.  As they walked onto the soundstage, they saw Hayden off talking to George alone.  After a pat on the back from the older man, Hayden came over to face his family.

"Mom.  Dad.  I'm sorry, I know you just got here and that my choices are probably going to disappoint you... but I have to leave," his words accentuated by his hands helping to plead his case.  "I have been such a fool.  I need to try and fix things with Melissa."

"You told us not too long ago that you loved her and you wanted her with you," Ally recalled.  "Is that still true?"

 "I do love her," he said with a sweetness that made Tove smile. "I want us to be together - emotionally, physically, mentally... When I said that before, it was based more out of selfishness than anything.  I've done enough of that.  It's not just about what I want, it's about her hopes, my dreams, our desires and how we can help each other achieve them.

"Why would you think that we would be disappointed by that?" David asked, his eyes showing the caution in his words.

"Because I made a commitment to this film and to George," he tried to explain.  "I have spoken to him and apologized, but I have to do this and he seems to understand that.  He's given me some time off.  I hope you can appreciate what I'm doing.  Ultimately, it's Melissa's understanding I'm most hoping for.  I need to get going.  I already have a flight booked and I need to make a stop on the way to the airport." 

"I'll drive you," Tove offered.

"Son, wait." David called as Hayden turned to walk away, causing him to turn back around.  "I just wanted to tell you that I'm proud of you."

They were words he hadn't heard from his father in a very long time and they caught Hayden off guard.  "Dad?"

"I should say that more, I know.  I always assume you know.  You are a talented actor, quickly becoming a master of his craft, but more important to your mom and I, you are a phenomenal man.  I don't think we've ever been more proud than we are right now.  You made a commitment here, yes, but you also made one to Melissa and you can finally see how they relate to each other.  Respect the pledges of your heart son, and they will never let you down."

"Enough babbling David.  Let the boy go." Ally smiled, giving a misty eyed Hayden a hug.  "Good luck and we'll see you when you get back."

It wasn't typical for Hayden and his father to show affection, but Hayden was wearing his heart of his sleeve that morning and impulsively pulled David into a tight hug.  "Thank you Dad," he said quietly, before finally leaving the studio.

"If the stop you needed to make was at the apartment for your bag," Tove smirked, "you can skip it.  I have it in the trunk."

"You know, I wasn't even thinking of that, glad you were.  I need to stop downtown, I'll show you where."  There was a pause while Hayden digested all that was happening in his life.  "Hey.  How did you know I would need my bag?"  When he saw the look of compassion on Tove's face he nodded.  "The argument was a ploy, wasn't it?"

"No, that was real.  Everyone knew what you refused to see and you were imploding before their eyes.  I kept waiting for the right time to bring it up, but that time never seemed to come.  I didn't want to come to blows with you, but yesterday I hit my limit."

Making their one stop before arriving at the airport, neither made any further mention of the night before.  Tove waited, wondering if Hayden would ask what finally pushed him to the edge, unsure if he should tell his newly optimistic brother about Eric's phone call.  As they walked to the gate in near silence, Hayden struggled with his words, muttering barely audible stammers.

"Would you just shut up, get on that plane, and tell Melissa you love her please?" Tove jokingly sighed.  "Honestly, do I have to do everything for you?"  Stopped by an eager hug, Tove held a little tighter to his brother that morning.

"Yesterday, when I said I hated you..." Hayden continued to falter, "I didn't mean..." 

"I know.  It's all good if you get on that plane.  Quit worrying, you're stuck with me.  Consider it a pitfall of brotherhood.  You have a lady who wants to hear from you - don't keep her waiting any longer."  He watched the spring return to Hayden's step as he walked toward the gate.  "Hey!" he called out "What was in that package anyway?"

"Memories!" he smiled back before disappearing into the plane.

"Geez.  They really are meant for each other," Tove grinned and headed back to the studios.

*****

The long flight had passed quickly.  Listening to the CD Melissa had given him several times and flipping through the scrapbook passed a great deal of the time.  He would go through what he wanted to tell her when he arrived; changing his planned dialogue each time he'd rehearse it.

By the time the flight landed in San Francisco, Hayden was a bundle of nerves.  The time difference worked to his advantage.  Arriving early in morning, he hoped to catch her at home, assuming she had returned to work at the vet clinic.  Pulling up in front of the house, he saw her truck parked in the driveway and his pulse began to race.  With a deep breath to calm him, he knocked firmly on the door.

Eric opened the door, a smile crossing his face.  "Hayden!  About damn time!  Come on in!"

As Eric led him into the living room, he was surprised to find Melissa's parents on the couch, watching the news.  "Good morning Mr. & Mrs. Hamilton," beads of nervous sweat instantly appearing on his forehead.

"Breathe son, it's ok, we won't bite," Will assured him.

"I'm sorry sir, I wasn't sure what you thought of me after... well..." he stumbled.  "Sir, I never meant to hurt her," he finally choked out.  "I only wanted her to be safe."

"We know that," smiled Leigh.  "Aren't you supposed to be in Australia?"

"Yes, but I've come to talk to Melissa, to see if she can ever forgive me, to see if she'll still have me."

"How appropriate that she's not here," Beth bitterly interrupted.  "Did the guilt finally pull you back?

"Beth..." Eric tried to quiet her.

"It's ok," Hayden explained.  "It was deserved.  I left when she needed me the most, but it won't happen again."  Taking Beth's hand and tilting his head to look into her eyes, he added with a gentle voice.  "I can promise you that."

"You just missed her," Eric tried to cut the tension.  "She left with the search team yesterday for Mexico."  Noting Hayden's puzzled expression, he elaborated.  "I guess you didn't see the news.  There was earthquake."

"Is she well enough to be searching again?"

"Searching will make her well," Beth responded.

"I'm not loosing her again - just tell me where she is and that's where I need to be," he pleaded to her.

Beth thought for a moment, the eyes of the entire room fixed on her, wondering what she would say.  An answer never came, their attentions turned to a CNN update on the earthquake.  There was no sign of Melissa or Kona, but Beth took the opportunity to bid a hasty retreat into the kitchen.  "Give her some time," Eric explained.  "When one of them hurts, so does the other.  She'll come around.  I'll go talk to her and then you and I will head to Mexico.  That is, if you still want to go, but I suspect that's going to be a big fat yes."

"Absolutely," he smiled, feeling that much closer to holding her again.

Beth and Eric returned a short while later to find just Will and Leigh in the living room.  "Where is he?" Eric asked his dad.

"Oh, I sent him up to Melissa's room to get her suitcase."

"Oh no..." Beth gasped, racing up the stairs with the rest close on her heels.  They found Hayden standing in the middle of the ransacked room, holding the torn pieces of her Oscar dress.  The floor was littered with broken picture frames and shredded magazines.  Books had been flung from the shelves, clothes thrown from the closet.  Walking up behind Hayden and putting her hands on his shoulders, she spoke softly, a concern in her voice that hadn't been there before.  "What do you know about what's been going on while you were away?"

"Nothing.  How would I? " He swallowed hard.  "What happened here?  Is she alright?"

"If you are serious about this - if you love her as much as you claim to, Eric will fill you in while you drive.  If you aren't serious," she warned, "leave now and go back to Australia because she can't loose you again."

He turned to face Melissa's family and Beth, the tears in his eyes evident.  "I love her," he said firmly.

"Then lets go!" Eric cheered.  "If we leave now, we'll be there before dinner."

Taking the suitcase Melissa had never bothered to unpack, Eric and Hayden headed to Mexico. 

"I'm sorry about all of that.  We thought you knew and that's why you came back," Eric explained while he drove.  "I called your brother and told him, I just assumed he told you."

"He didn't, but things are certainly making more sense," Hayden told him, twisting his bracelet as he always did when he worried about Melissa.  "Tove and I got into a fight and that never happens.  I started it, but he was furious with me - now I know why.  He had talked to you and he knew, but he couldn't tell me - I wouldn't listen.  I didn't even know he had been here until yesterday.  Why was her room like that? What happened?"

"You had to face your demons, she understood that - encouraged it even.  What she never counted on was that your being gone would cause her to face her own demons.  She was alone, she missed you, and she wondered if she'd made a mistake, but there was nothing she could do about it."

"She was helpless..." he sighed.  "She hates that.  I was able to run away from it, occupy my mind, not focus on it..."

"It consumed her and you saw the results.  She's a strong woman Hayden, but everyone has their limits and she reached hers.  When the page came in for this search, I didn't give her a choice, I drove her to the airfield and walked her to the plane.  She needed to find herself again."

"I'll do everything I can for her," he vowed.

"I hope so," Eric joked.  "She's my baby sister after all, and I don't want to have to smack you around."

The men laughed in mutual understanding, Melissa was their only concern and, for Hayden, the long trip couldn't go fast enough.

*****

Late that afternoon, the all day drive behind them, they approached the vicinity of the search area.  Eric called Karen to get the teams exact location and directions to it.  The devastation was an overwhelming sight for Hayden.  He silently wondered if Eric had done the right thing sending Melissa back into a place that so resembled the footage he had seen of Ground Zero.  Surely her family knew of the memories that she struggled with.

Spotting Karen, they made their way over to the base, Hayden's sights set on scouring the pile of rubble.  It had taken him only a minute to spot Kona and then Melissa only a few feet behind her.  He was close to her again and that fact alone seemed to make the sky a little bluer and the clouds that much whiter.

"Hey Cutie!" Eric grinned, giving Karen a kiss on the cheek.  "How's our girl doin'?"

"Eric Hamilton," she jokingly scolded.  "You are such a flirt!  Behave or I'll tell Beth."  It was only when she turned to look at Eric that she saw who was with him.  "Hayden!" she beamed, "what a nice surprise."

He would have loved to respond but he didn't want to loose sight of Melissa.  Managing only a gentle nod and a slight smile, Karen continued to speak with Eric.

"Our girl is doing just fine - take a look," she pointed toward the rubble.  "Hayden seems to have found her.  She's been going non-stop since we got here, typical really, hasn't slept, barely ate..."

"Awesome!" Eric beamed.  "She is back!"

Hayden saw her stop and pick up the handset of her radio just moments before her voice came through the base receiver.  "Search 2 to base, please note current location.  I can hear voices.  I think we found a pocket."

"Copy that Search 2, do you need assistance?"  Karen replied

"Negative on that base, this area is highly unstable.  We're getting out of here - there has to be a safer access route."

Hearing her voice was enough to give Hayden chills on the balmy summer day.  He watched as she called off a very reluctant Kona, only making it a few feet before an aftershock jolted the area.  Frozen by fear, he watched as the slope Melissa was on began to slide underneath her.  It looked as if she called Kona back to her and he saw her grab the dogs vest and pull her close. In the time it took to blink, they had disappeared into the mass of cement and debris.

Without thinking Hayden started toward the area where Melissa had vanished, only to be stopped by Eric.  "Wait," he said flatly.

"If you think I'm staying here..." he replied, only to be interrupted as Eric handed him an orange safety vest.

"You're going to need this," he told him, putting on one equipped with a radio himself,  "and stay with me."

As they headed toward the fallen pile, they listened to Eric's radio repeating Karen's calls.  "Base to Search 2 - come in Search 2," she would broadcast and, in return, they heard only silence.